MY OWN AWARDS Awards season happened this month with all of its usual injustice and predictability. I decided to do my own alternative 2014 movie awards. This month, I’m honouring (Sort of) the worst movies of 2014. These are all the people, moments and things which have a Golden Raspberry with their name on it. So, here’s my guide on what to avoid from 2014. Enjoy!
Worst Oscar snub: The Lego Movie for Best Animated Film. Seriously? Seriously? What is this? Is this some kind of painfully unfunny joke? Who needs the academy anyway?
Worst performance by a good actor: Johnny Depp in Transcendence. We’re all fed up of Johnny Depp donning white face paint and going crazy, but after his monotonous, sleepy performance in this where he’s as artificial as the computer his consciousness is uploaded, I find myself longing for Dark Shadows.
Worst moment in a good movie: Aaron Taylor Johnson in Godzilla. Not a specific scene, but in general Aaron Taylor Johnson’s performance as the lead. Godzilla himself has more facial expression than Taylor Johnson, whose blockbuster lead is so boring it feels like a parody of boring blockbuster leading men.
Most overrated movie: Guardians of the Galaxy. GOTG is not a bad film, but it’s just all a bit of a mess and with so many different elements it can feel like an exploding pudding in an oven. I will give it another go though.
Worst running time: Transformers Age of Extinction. In the film’s obnoxious 2 and 3 quarter hour runtime, you could so many other better things than watch this. Boyhood made this running time fly by without explosions, action set pieces, an action packed story or special effects, yet Transformers 4, despite having these things, is far more effective at making people nod off than counting sheep ever was.
Most boring film: Endless Love. 1 hour and 45 minutes of 2 boring protagonists going through one nauseating romantic scene after another on the hunt for as many clichés as possible and encountering a pathetic story, dreary drama and lazy direction at every turn, equalling a lame, phony, groan inducing love story that’s about as romantic as Saving Private Ryan. No thanks.
Most eyeball roll inducing film: If I Stay. Another awful romance, Chloe Moretz gives one of her worst performances in this poorly told, painfully manipulative, soppy, sloppy and at times cringe worthy teen weepie. Hit Girl would be appalled.
Most offensive film: Sabotage. This repulsive action film plays like an Eli Roth torture porn flick and boasts unpleasant violence, a putrid script and the most unlikable cast of characters I’ve ever seen in a movie. Vile.
Worst story: Non Stop. Non Stop? Non Sense more like. I love action films, but when they’re this ridiculous and poorly thought out I just can’t enjoy it. This one is about as realistic as a shark doing the moonwalk on the wing of a moving plane while singing ABBA tunes.
Worst set piece: Demons vs. Gargoyles in I, Frankenstein. It’s demons vs. gargoyles. Need I say more? If I must, this set piece is one dark mass of CGI fighting another. It’s like starring into a void. There’s no excitement or anything to get invested in.
Most disappointing film: The Monuments Men. That cast. That title. That story. That director. Sadly, it all went wrong. With bland direction, phoned in performances and lifeless script this is as monumental as a toilet roll sitting on a vandalised pedestal.
Worst Poster: Blended. Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore stand against an African backdrop glaring at each other and looking unbearably smug. What is this poster saying? Nothing at all aside from: “This film was only made so we could all go on holiday and now we’re putting the footage in theatres and stealing your money!”.
Worst sequel: Transformers Age of Extinction. Obviously.
Worst couple: David and Jade from Endless Love. This one was a no brainer. These 2 have no chemistry and their story lacks conflict, emotion and originality. The fact that both actors are less expressive than shop window dummies doesn’t help.
Worst special effects: The Legend of Hercules. Even though this was a $70 million dollar film, it looks like a broken computer game. Maybe all the money went into buying the rights for the many things it so blatantly rips off from other movies. Or possibly into Kellan Lutz’s workout routine so his physique could distract from his awful acting.
Worst script: Sabotage. This foul mouthed, mean spirited and nasty script is about as nice to listen to a s a 5 hour musical mix of awful heavy metal music combined with Justin Bieber songs and turned up past 11.
Worst villain: Electro from The Amazing Spider Man 2. A blue CGI blob who shoots lightning bolts. Maybe some of the other films already mentioned have worse villains but they’re forgettable. This lame and underdeveloped antagonist is just one of the many elements cluttering up this overstuffed sequel.
Worst hero: Hercules in The Legend of Hercules. However bad Kirk Cameron apparently was in Saving Christmas, I’m pretty sure this performance was worse.
Worst movie moment: Romantic montage in Endless Love. A nauseating sequence which despite the endless loving words and romantic gestures, is genuinely less romantic than your average slasher flick.
Worst supporting actress: Nicola Peltz in Transformers 4. Has her acting improved since The Last Airbender? Not one bit. She has the charisma of a puddle of muddy rainwater and the facial range of a Madame Tussauds waxwork model.
Worst supporting actor: Kiefer Sutherland in Pompeii. An embarrassing, maniacal, ludicrously over the top performance with a grating accent, this obscures the memories of many of Jack Bauer’s finest moments.
Worst actress: Gabriella Wilde in Endless Love. She’s awful.
Worst actor: Alex Pettyfer in Endless Love. Alex Pettyfer is as wooden as a totem pole. So why does he get work?
Worst director: Michal Bay in Transformers 4. What else can be said about Michael Bay that hasn’t already been said? He’s simply an awful director who keeps forcing cash grabbing cinematic car crashes down the throats of audiences.
Worst film: The Legend of Hercules. Getting nearly everything wrong and going the motions in the most uninteresting way imaginable, this on is about as entertaining and emotionally involving as a montage of Saw death scenes. Awful. Simply awful.
Thanks for reading!!