Worst of the Worst 2014

My final post of the year, this counts down the 25 worst films I’ve seen this year. Avoid all of these horrors like the plague. With all my meanest review writing skills and best analogies at the ready, before I start the countdown here are a few dishonourable mentions:

Transformers Age Of Extinction, Lord Of The Flies, The Expendables, Mission Impossible 2, Thor The Dark World, The Purge, The Village, The Ruins, Halloween 4 and Hick.

Starting off with…

25. The Monuments Men: Not the last waste of a great cast you’ll see on this list, this awful historical drama where virtually nothing happens is completely flat in almost every way. Everyone involved phones it in and aside from baiting Oscars and being possible treatment for sleep disorder, this serves no purpose.

24. White House Down: Action films are fun because they’re tense. This rip off of many better action films doesn’t have even a hint of tension, and it’s filled with dreadful CGI, terrible direction and a mind numbingly stupid script. If there was any justice in the world Roland Emmerich would be working in an explosives factory.

23. The Proposal: This is why I don’t watch rom coms. Since you know everything that’s going to happen at least 30 minutes before it does and it’s not even funny, no amount of romantic chemistry could make this any fun to watch.

22. Bait 3D: Dumb shark movies aren’t funny anymore. They never were particularly funny in the first place. I don’t know how a shark movie in a supermarket could possibly be dull, but somehow this lame B movie manages that.

21. Ocean’s 12: There is no heist. It’s a heist movie but there’s no heist. A great cast and utterly wasted in this flat, lazy follow up to an awesome movie. Lacking the coolness of Ocean’s 11, it’s got about as much sparkle as a muddy field.

20. Pain & Gain: Michael Bay’s overwhelmingly obnoxious and deeply depressing dark comedy turns a real life crime story into a mindless, misogynist and ugly showcase of the psyche of its dreadful director. So why is it only 20? Since some have defended it as an intelligent satire of the American Dream, I may have misunderstood it so I’m going to be nice. Pain & Gain, count yourself lucky.

19. 30 Minutes Or Less: This vulgar comedy achieves nothing apart from making Jesse Eissenberg unlikable, which is an impressive feat. Too often mistaking sexism, racism and ugliness for humour, this one’s more nauseating than a ride on any roller coaster.

18. Twilight Breaking Dawn Part II: This one’s just more of the same. It’s not as bad as some of the others but it is a terrible movie. It feels like a vampire sucked it dry, with its monotone dialogue, awful acting and lack of fun.

17. Sabotage: Skip Woods should be banned from writing a film ever again. After the disgraceful Die Hard 5, he wrote this ugly, obnoxious and unpleasant thriller which drives itself through swearing, nasty violence and general unpleasantness. Swimming in a sewer might be more fun than watching this.

16. Insidious Chapter 2: A boring, lazy, scare free follow up with no effort or soul, this really is pretty awful. Studio Film School have made horror films that are better than this.

15. Crash: Some films are overrated. However, nothing is as offensively overpraised as Paul Haggis’ awful race relations drama which shows us horrible people yelling at each other, unrealistic events, poorly written dialogue and repeatedly tells us racism is bad- with the depth, sophistication and intelligence of a Transformers action set piece.

14. I, Frankenstein: This movie completely lacks a plot, features little more than endless hordes of CGI nothingness and has an awful script. There really isn’t much to recommend this. Thankfully, there is some justice in the world after all and it bombed at the box office.

13. Paranormal Activity 4: Found footage continues to drain the horror genre, as this lazy cash grabber fails to provide a single solid scare. The franchise hits a new low. Stay away from Paranormal Activity 5.

12. Grown Ups: One hour and 40 minutes of 5 repulsive men staying at a lake house, alongside their idiotic families, a terrible script and Dennis Dugan’s woefully unimaginative direction, and mucking around in a series of awful comedy set pieces consisting of jokes like old ladies farting, Kevin James swinging into a tree, men urinating in public swimming areas, sexism and Adam Sandler trying to tell his daughter a bug zapper isn’t zapping bugs, equalling a mirthless, hopeless, harrowing comedy car crash that’s about as funny as 12 Years A Slave. No thanks.

11. Endless Love: Maybe the blandest film of this list, this sleep inducing and clichéd romance at its absolute worst. With no originality, conflict or flair of any kind, this is just a terrible film with a full stop. It’s almost certainly be the film of the year for anyone who likes boring, soppy romances which appear to be downing in their own sentimentality and who likes watching endless montages but for the rest of us, watching this is about as fun as watching a 4 hour lecture on the science of sleep.

10. The Legend Of Hercules: The worst film of 2014, this can’t even provide an exciting set piece. Despite the $70 million budget I’ve seen better CGI on Cbeebies. With less complexity than a wooden table and a bunch of boring actors trying to act, it’s difficult to remember the last time I was so unengaged with a story. Disgraceful.

9. Trespass: This one is pretty special. It’s difficult to imagine a more atrocious home invasion thriller. With clichés, screaming and boredom galore this is utterly devoid of entertainment value. Stay away from it. The only good thing is that’s it’s so boring you’ll forget much of it very quickly. Horrible.

8. The Happening: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

7. The Hangover Part 2: Here are some of the only differences between the hilarious first film and this carbon copy sequel: 1. It’s in Thailand. 2. Stu’s getting married this time. 3. They loose someone else. 4. The gags from the first are all there, but in alternative, nastier versions and turned up to 11. 5. This is a nasty, loathsome, repugnant stinkbomb. 6. It’s more disturbing than funny. 7. Alan is not as funny this time round. 8. Mr Chow appears more (unfortunately). 9. It made even more money despite being awful. 10. Errr….. it’s in Thailand?

6. Pearl Harbour: Someone needs to stop Michael Bay. This 3 hour nightmare combines an overdone blockbuster representation of a tragic historical event with a soppy, wooden love triangle. And you thought Twilight’s love triangle sucked. The attack sequence isn’t even that fun, and aside from visual effects and score this is absolute torture to watch. The trailers may have looked good, but this really is borderline unbearable thanks to terrible wring, acting and directing. This can best be summed as the cinematic equivalent of a dementor.

5. The Last Airbender: Is this a joke? This adaptation of the popular anime is so badly executed it’s like watching a year one school play, and the action scenes aren’t even action scenes. They’re dumb gymnastics routines pretending to be action scenes. The acting and writing are unbelievably bad and the fact that no-one realized how awful this was going to be during the making of it is one of life’s big mysteries. The last airbender? Let’s hope so.

4. Jack And Jill: All the people who work at Happy Madison productions clearly thought this one joke comedy catastrophe from the inexplicably popular Adam Sandler would be great fun, and they throw every dire joke in the dire joke book, a mean spirited tone, a toilet paper screenplay, Dennis Dugan’s awful direction and a broken storyline at us with great enthusiasm! Unfortunately Jack & Jill is more painful to watch than funny, especially when Al Pacino (Yes that Al Pacino) turns up. With Adam Sandler giving the worst performance I’ve ever seen from any actor ever and everyone else embarrassing themselves, it’s amazing anyone involved found work ever again.

3. The Devil Inside: Another appalling found footage film, this really has absolutely nothing going for it. A lame, lazy and unscary collection of dreadful found footage shocks put together with the skill of a nursery child’s paper collage, this is one of the worst horror films of recent years and there have been a lot of bad horror films in recent years. Making Paranormal Activity 4 look like Halloween, this is the worst horror film I’ve had the misfortune to watch this year. Even horror buffs will probably get bored.

2. Disaster Movie: Picture a toilet. Your head’s getting shoved right down the toilet; further and further down over 90 minutes. Congratulations. Now you’re beginning to get an idea of how awful this is. A bunch of empty pop culture gags with as much taste as a Frankie Boyle joke, directed and written by people who aren’t fit to direct a Haribo advert is one of the closest things you’ll see to a cinematic nightmare. This has no decency or taste whatsoever, and is one of the worst films ever created. What could be worse than this?

So now for number one. A hideous, horrible, appalling and to be honest truly harrowing car crash of a film. Still, I am now a stronger person because I endured….

1. Movie 43: Well, it wasn’t really going to be anything else was it? This atrociously directed, dreadfully written and sadly star studded comedy turkey is less funny than Schindler’s List, more disturbing than The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and has the charisma and likability of a sucking black hole. The perfect cinematic representation of a dog turd which makes Die Hard 5 look like Citizen Kane, this movie is just wrong on every level and levels which have yet to be invented. A mindless, disgusting and excruciatingly unfunny cinematic abomination, this is not only the worst film I’ve seen this year, but the worst film I’ve ever seen in my life. Walking into a pole in the street was more fun than watching this movie.

Thanks a lot for reading and have a great new year.

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